Forbidden Christmas Cheer

My God, it's that time of year again and I couldn't be more ready. Thanksgiving is Thursday and signals the opening of the Official "We can play Christmas music on terrestrial radio" season. I'm in the process of dubbing the library from my internet station, Radio Christmas, to CD so we can use them at WAVG . I suggested we install a couple of DVD players so we can play MP3's in addition to CD's. Well, there's a double edge sword here. If you copy them to CD as audio files, it takes 47 CD's (and 47 CD labels). If you dub in MP3 you have to print out 12 pages of song list for each of the 5 cd's (ok, maybe 8 if I use a font and character size that is unreadable to anyone over 40 with out a microscope). What is more expensive here, the ink for the printer or the CD's? However, it ended up being a really good reason to back them up, which I've never done...oh stupid me. All the favorites and classics are there. Der Bingle with White Christmas, Ross Bagdasarian and the boys on The Chipmunk Song, Feliz Navidad, The Little Drummer Boy and more. I could go on for hours talking about Christmas music. It's my favorite music format, but I digress. As I prepared the final list I realized I had left out a few of my favorites because they would never pass the FCC terrestrial radio Standards & Practices exam. Thanks to this goofy blog I can lament about these politically incorrect, totally void of tact & charm, Christmas Classics that will never see the light of day on broadcast radio this season. I begin the list with the marginal songs that might get played but not without garnering a few phone calls to the station to make you think you've ruined someone's Christmas by being so "crass as to play that insensitive piece of shit". In the immortal words of Steve Martin...."Excuuuuuuse ME!!!!!!!" In the "some stations will rent the balls" category you might catch such tender little ditties as: Bob Rivers - Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire: I never got a complaint on this, the guy is a dead ringer for Nat King Cole. The music is lush and beautiful, but the but the vision of chipmunks being skewered through their nose while they laugh to the background strains of the Mel Torme classic doesn't exactly blow my skirt up, but it's very well done and if you can get past the cruelty to animal thing, it's quite funny. The Little Stinkers - I farted on Santa's Lap (Now Christmas Is Gonna Stink On Me) and the Mushroom Tabernacle Choir's - 12 Drugs of Christmas will see airplay on some gutsy Album Rock and Alternative stations for obvious reasons. The two songs that baffle me with the number of negative phone calls are Weird Al Yankovick - Christmas At Ground Zero and Kip Adotta - I saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus. Without giving away the punchline of the song, I can only say that Kip Adotta's song keeps you rolling with laughter in suspense till you find out that daddy kissing Santa is a very natural and innocent thing. Many people find the song repulsive, but the ones I have actually spoken to ever listened to the song all the way through. They were too disgusted in the first 30 seconds to give it a chance. Perhaps the negativity begins when daddy starts ripping off Santas' clothes. Weird Al's tune however is a different story. I will play it again this year but every year since "9/11" callers & emailers argue that it is in bad taste. It is sad that the complainers only hear the phrase "Ground Zero" and relate it to the World Trade Center incident and not to the nuclear bombing going on in the song. " It's Christmas at Ground Zero The button has been pressed, the radio, just let us know that this is not a test". Ok, I find the prospect of the ultimate human destruction against a holiday background funny, is there a problem with that? My three favorite songs will never see the light of day on broadcast stations just for their titles alone, much less their lyrics. Kevin "Bloody" Wilson's "Ho, Ho Fucking Ho" is a Jingle Bells parody song featuring the disatisfaction of the elves "Ho, Ho Fucking Ho, what a crock of shit, we all work for Santa Claus, we've had enough we quit....". The audio CD is unavailable. Here is a link where you will find it on DVD Mr. Garrison (South Park) - Merry Fucking Christmas: The gay teacher with the hand puppet known affectionately as "Mr. Hand", disp;ays his way of spreading cheer to all those members of non Christian religions, such as Hindus, who don't celebrate the birth of Christ but he invites them to enjoy the holiday spirit by drinking egg nog, eating some beef and passing it to the Mrs. "In case you haven't noticed it's Jesus' birthday so get off your heathen Hindu ass and fucking celebrate". Red Peters - Holy Shit It's Christmas is a cute little entry that replaces the chipmunks with hamsters who sing "Santa comes just one a year, just like you Red, that's what we hear, he's got a soft spot for reindeer, especially Rudolph's derriere." How can you not enjoy the holiday season without blasting a few of these tunes to some of your more conservative friends

How Leo Laporte Spent His Summer Vacation

A few months ago I wrote a column lamenting the fact that the Borg Collective known as "G4", a 24/7 video game channel owned by Comcast Cable, had assimilated Tech TV and unceremoniously disposed of the most entertainingly informative hour on television, “Call For Help”, a phone in computer and technology help show, and it’s indefatigable and congenial host Leo Laporte. Over the summer, after the demise of CFH, he wrote four new books, I guess he found some free time. Then like the phoenix, he rose to do “Call For Help” again, on G4-TechTV Canada. Not seen in the US, links to download some of those shows can be found in his message boards at “Leoville”. We can only hope some network like DIY will pick it up here in the states. If you’ve never seen him work his magic, shame on you. He takes the sometimes overwhelming task of using and maintaining your ‘personal confuser’ and not only makes it easy but he also makes it fun. Watching his shows kept me from picking my computer up and tossing it through a window on more than one occasion. In fact he turned me into a ‘cool, stylish, sexy’ geek. Well, a geek anyway. Since “Poor Leo’s 2002 Technology Almanac”, he has been serving up an annual dose of his wit and knowledge in his Technology Almanac series, available from Que Publishing and Leoville Press. He has taken all the elements and content of the programs he created for Tech TV and has combined them into an easy to understand, fun to read, reference work for, ‘people who have spent a lot of money on a computer and are now wondering what to do with that expensive piece of plastic on their desk’. In the new 2005 Almanac he does it again and he doesn’t disappoint. This latest edition is chock full of important dates in tech and related pop culture history, along with countless computer and technology tips, tricks and explanations. Both the science & tech enthusiast and the average person who can’t quite seem to get his VCR to quit blinking 12:00, can understand, benefit from and have fun reading this book. The book takes the full year, in daily almanac style, and divides each week into themes. For example, Week One’s focus is “Your new PC”. This week we will find out what to do when we open the box for the first time. Other week focuses include blogging (online journal writing), eBay, online shopping, digital photography, Macintosh computers, broadband internet, portable music players and upgrading your PC. Quite a buffet, that includes almost all of the home tech topics as they relate to that ‘stupid plastic box’. Leo handles each element so that it can be understood without having to know something else first. Everything is self supportive. You don’t have to read this book from page 1-519 in order. It is wonderful to just sift through it and collect little bits of data, as you need or want it. The table of contents, ‘little black book’, glossary and index are well constructed to help you find any specific information you may be looking for. The facts & figures section shows us different facts about the overall state of the technology industry with lists covering topics like most visited sites, broadband penetration, online retail sales figures and mounds of other information for the geek and wanna be geek. It’s the perfect all puropse computer and internet resource book. A handy volume that should be kept on top of your desk so that you have easy access to it everytime your 'PC' stands for ‘Personal Confuser’. Leo uses his same easy to understand descriptions and explanations in at least two of his other three books. Leo Laporte’s Guide to TiVo and the 2005 Gadget Guide. The 2005 Mac Gadget Guide, I haven’t skimmed through yet because the last Apple computer I used was an Apple Macintosh, 128k, about 20 years ago and I doubt the gadgets are compatible with it. So, I really didn’t think I could speak intelligently about it, even if I had read it. I expected the Gadget Guide to be just a big random toy catalog. Oh but it is so much more. Leo doesn’t take cash to plug tech products he includes, he actually tries them out and makes his suggestions. So you know his recommendations are from his own personal experience. They are only there because he likes them and here he covers just about all the bases. It’s a beautiful book with lots of great color photos, detailed descriptions, links to find them online and retail prices. I found myself going through it and circling the things I want Santa to bring. Santa has to bring them, I could never afford all the stuff in there I wanted. I had already virtually spent several thousand dollars in just two of his eight sections, they are computer gadgets, portable gadgets, digital photography, home movie, home audio/video, telephone, game and automotive gadgets. As much as I enjoyed browsing and discovering all the gadgets covered, I know that since the time the book went to press, technology has improved at an alarming rate and so many gadgets have been improved on. For example, reading his TV video card pick, the Pinnacle PCTV Deluxe, made me wonder how he likes the new ATI HD-TV All-In-Wonder card. Not to worry though, there’s plenty here to whet your geeky chops and put on your ‘gotta try’ list. For example, I work late at night, in the dark and would really like to try the Auravision Eluminx Illuminated Keyboard . or maybe the Western Digital Media Center, that can back up your hard drive while it acts as an 8 in 1 digital media reader. Ok, I’ll stop, I’m up to $370 now, and that’s just two items and I’m only up to page 8, but you get the idea. There are hundreds of great items. Digital cameras to phones, satellite radios to digital media hubs to keyboards and mice, there's lots here to drool over. There are a few goofy gadgets as well. I’m a smoker and coffee drinker, but I’m not sure the world is ready for a USB smokeless ashtray or a USB coffee warmer. Can a USB connection really put out enough heat to keep your java jolted and does the smokeless ashtray really have any effect on the exhaled smoke? Leo’s Guide to TiVo, America’s and my favorite Digital Video Recorder (DVR) is divided into three sections. First is all the neat extra stuff you can make your TiVo do that is never mentioned in the manual & won’t require you tear it apart and break the warranty. Part two gets you inside the box to replace the hard drive with a larger one so you can have more recording time and other warranty breaking hacks. Then finally he gives you a CD with the book that contains a version of Linux operating system so you can do some of the hacks mentioned in the book and other third party software you can install on your TiVo for even more advanced features. I haven’t gotten the guts yet to hack my TiVo. Maybe, when I get a new one, say the one that comes with a DVD burner, I’ll use the old one for ‘the great experiment’. I’m sure with Leo’s easy to understand instructions I will have little to worry about when I finally get the nerve.