Forbidden Christmas Cheer

My God, it's that time of year again and I couldn't be more ready. Thanksgiving is Thursday and signals the opening of the Official "We can play Christmas music on terrestrial radio" season. I'm in the process of dubbing the library from my internet station, Radio Christmas, to CD so we can use them at WAVG . I suggested we install a couple of DVD players so we can play MP3's in addition to CD's. Well, there's a double edge sword here. If you copy them to CD as audio files, it takes 47 CD's (and 47 CD labels). If you dub in MP3 you have to print out 12 pages of song list for each of the 5 cd's (ok, maybe 8 if I use a font and character size that is unreadable to anyone over 40 with out a microscope). What is more expensive here, the ink for the printer or the CD's? However, it ended up being a really good reason to back them up, which I've never done...oh stupid me. All the favorites and classics are there. Der Bingle with White Christmas, Ross Bagdasarian and the boys on The Chipmunk Song, Feliz Navidad, The Little Drummer Boy and more. I could go on for hours talking about Christmas music. It's my favorite music format, but I digress. As I prepared the final list I realized I had left out a few of my favorites because they would never pass the FCC terrestrial radio Standards & Practices exam. Thanks to this goofy blog I can lament about these politically incorrect, totally void of tact & charm, Christmas Classics that will never see the light of day on broadcast radio this season. I begin the list with the marginal songs that might get played but not without garnering a few phone calls to the station to make you think you've ruined someone's Christmas by being so "crass as to play that insensitive piece of shit". In the immortal words of Steve Martin...."Excuuuuuuse ME!!!!!!!" In the "some stations will rent the balls" category you might catch such tender little ditties as: Bob Rivers - Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire: I never got a complaint on this, the guy is a dead ringer for Nat King Cole. The music is lush and beautiful, but the but the vision of chipmunks being skewered through their nose while they laugh to the background strains of the Mel Torme classic doesn't exactly blow my skirt up, but it's very well done and if you can get past the cruelty to animal thing, it's quite funny. The Little Stinkers - I farted on Santa's Lap (Now Christmas Is Gonna Stink On Me) and the Mushroom Tabernacle Choir's - 12 Drugs of Christmas will see airplay on some gutsy Album Rock and Alternative stations for obvious reasons. The two songs that baffle me with the number of negative phone calls are Weird Al Yankovick - Christmas At Ground Zero and Kip Adotta - I saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus. Without giving away the punchline of the song, I can only say that Kip Adotta's song keeps you rolling with laughter in suspense till you find out that daddy kissing Santa is a very natural and innocent thing. Many people find the song repulsive, but the ones I have actually spoken to ever listened to the song all the way through. They were too disgusted in the first 30 seconds to give it a chance. Perhaps the negativity begins when daddy starts ripping off Santas' clothes. Weird Al's tune however is a different story. I will play it again this year but every year since "9/11" callers & emailers argue that it is in bad taste. It is sad that the complainers only hear the phrase "Ground Zero" and relate it to the World Trade Center incident and not to the nuclear bombing going on in the song. " It's Christmas at Ground Zero The button has been pressed, the radio, just let us know that this is not a test". Ok, I find the prospect of the ultimate human destruction against a holiday background funny, is there a problem with that? My three favorite songs will never see the light of day on broadcast stations just for their titles alone, much less their lyrics. Kevin "Bloody" Wilson's "Ho, Ho Fucking Ho" is a Jingle Bells parody song featuring the disatisfaction of the elves "Ho, Ho Fucking Ho, what a crock of shit, we all work for Santa Claus, we've had enough we quit....". The audio CD is unavailable. Here is a link where you will find it on DVD Mr. Garrison (South Park) - Merry Fucking Christmas: The gay teacher with the hand puppet known affectionately as "Mr. Hand", disp;ays his way of spreading cheer to all those members of non Christian religions, such as Hindus, who don't celebrate the birth of Christ but he invites them to enjoy the holiday spirit by drinking egg nog, eating some beef and passing it to the Mrs. "In case you haven't noticed it's Jesus' birthday so get off your heathen Hindu ass and fucking celebrate". Red Peters - Holy Shit It's Christmas is a cute little entry that replaces the chipmunks with hamsters who sing "Santa comes just one a year, just like you Red, that's what we hear, he's got a soft spot for reindeer, especially Rudolph's derriere." How can you not enjoy the holiday season without blasting a few of these tunes to some of your more conservative friends